


January 2004

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [6]
Category: Smallville
Genre: M/M, Wordcount: 10.000-30.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-30
Updated: 2012-12-30
Packaged: 2017-11-22 23:33:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/615630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Teen angst and friendship play a big role in Clark's early years. Things with Lex progress.</p>
            </blockquote>





	January 2004

01 January @ 01:15 pm

My new years eve was really nice. I had a good time, even though Whitney bugged me about Lana. I can't go anywhere near Lana without Whitney thinking I'm making a move on her. This time he reminded me I'm not her type. I was nice and didn't remind him that neither is he. She asked me to go easy on him. I told her I would.

My resolution is to be nicer to people. I guess I could have treated some people better. I never thought I was a mean person but Lex must think I am. He talks about the bad things I thought of him and how much it hurt him to hear me say that stuff. I also vow to let him be. He's obviously happy with Bruce and I would never want to hurt them. I'm just not that kind of person. I couldn't do it to Lana when she was with Whitney so I certainly won't do it to Lex. 

At least I got a kiss on the cheek from Lana. We had a talk that was kind of embarrassing. She needed to talk to somebody about her and Chloe. They did it on Christmas day. I didn't really know what to say. Our conversation was just so nice. I still look at her sometimes and just wish she did like me that way. But I know it's never going to happen.

My dad is actually going to make me work today. I can't believe he won't give me a day off. After I'm done with the chores, I think I'll stop by the mansion to see if Mr. K would like to play some pool. I don't know if he plays. I guess I could ask him. If he says no maybe we could do something else, unless he's busy of course.

It's only a few more days before Lex comes back. I vow that I am going to be a better person to him. He deserves so much and I thought about it a lot. I think it's great that Bruce is there with him. It means Lex won't ever be alone. I don't ever want him to be alone. I know how it feels to be alone and it isn't nice.

@ 10:55 pm

I feel sort of lost today. I had an okay day, worked hard, and got to talk to Lana on the phone. She asked me if I would go shopping with her and Chloe. I agreed to go with them so that's what I'll be doing tomorrow. Maybe it'll do me some good to get out. Dad and mom said it would be cool if I slacked off a little and did that for the better part of the day.

I went by the mansion to hang out with Mr. K. He's pretty cool: real polite. I think mom would like him. 

We played pool and he was real good. I didn't beat him once, but that's cool. I wasn't really doing it to win, more to just have somebody to hang with. He's strange, different than other guys I'm used to. I get the feeling he might be gay. He didn't say it but I just have this feeling, which is cool.

I did get up the nerve to ask him if Lex had called the mansion at all to check in. He said that Lex hadn't called to his knowledge. I guess he would know, since he is the head of the security.

 

04 January @ 12:07 am

Never let your female friends take you shopping. Not that I don't appreciate what Chloe and Lana were trying to do. I did really. I followed them around and smiled at all the clothing suggestions. I know I went way out of my way to make sure that I showed them I was all for what they were doing.

They tired me out! I think I went to every single store in the mall that sold clothing for men. Some of the suggestions were just ridiculous, but I tried them on anyway. I couldn't bear to see the look in either of their eyes if I said no. I tried to say no the first time and learned my lesson.

So now I own a new pair of pants, which I desperately needed, and a new dark red long sleeved dress shirt. I needed new shoes so I picked up a pair of nice dress shoes.

He's back. I'm not sure when he arrived. I called at four but he wasn't home yet. (unless he was and they didn't tell me.)

I called every day when he was away. Maybe that was too much. Maybe I should back off. I did vow to do so, but I can't stop. I guess I'll wait until Lex calls me. He's probably going to need time to recover. I hate my life.

I have so much work to do tomorrow. Dad couldn't get anything done since he had to go over to the next county all day to find a part for the stupid tractor. I hate that thing. It's always breaking down.

@ 09:53 am

My phone messages turned him on! I am so happy right now. I'm off to do a million trillion chores, and then I'm going over to the mansion ASAP to be with him. Even if I can't touch and I can't be close to him I know that together we will be so great. He's the most awesome thing in the world. 

The tractor is broken again and on top of that dad won't get the part until next week. Stupid tractor! It means I'll have to do what chores I can by hand. That could take forever but who cares. Lex loves me.

@ 10:44 pm

My dad decided, out of the blue after I spent the whole day doing all his chores and mine, that we would be staying in for a family night. I finally excused myself after sitting with my mom and dad in front of the TV for a few hours. I told them I had homework to do. I don't, but I just didn't want to hang out with my parents. Plus I was ready to punch my dad out. He was driving me insane.

I caved and called Lex. He was real tired. I told him I wanted to come by but I couldn't so I would see him when I did deliveries tomorrow. He was happy to hear from me. I didn't ask about Bruce or that woman. He said he's alone in the mansion tonight. I wish I could be there with him. I thought about sneaking out but mom said she'd be checking on me every once in a while.

Something weird is going on. I have no idea why mom and dad are acting strange. First they want me to stay in for a 'family night' and now mom keeps checking on me. 

She just left after the third time checking. Apparently my dad is sorry he yelled at me. He should tell me that himself. I'm just real angry with him right now so anything I say is just heat of the moment. I know that, but I just needed to vent somewhere. I already smashed a few things in the barn. I'll probably regret it in the morning, but for now I'll just burn energy a different way.

 

05 January @ 10:04 pm

Something's wrong. I am so tired. I've never been this tired before. I was hit by lightning today on the class trip. Eric almost fell off the dam and when I pulled him up, I felt weak and so drained. I also burned my hand. I didn't tell mom and dad about it because I didn't want to worry them, but I have no idea what to do. My shoulder is sore and all my muscles ache.

On top of that, Lana was wearing her meteor necklace today at school. I hate the meteors so much. I wish they didn't hurt me.

I have to get to bed now. I'm so tired.

 

06 January @ 10:18 am

I did the deliveries yesterday and got a chance to see Lex. He was asleep at his desk when I got there. It was pure joy to see him. I had to restrain myself from just grabbing him and holding him in my arms. 

I woke him up so we could talk for a few minutes. It wasn't much of a conversation but it was great to be near him. He sat far away from me on the sofa, which I took to mean 'hands off.' He was so tired.

He told me how much he liked the phone calls. It made me feel so warm inside. After that I was a little excited. It was hard not to want to just grab him and hold him in my arms. He looked so vulnerable. I ached to be close to him. I know I said I was going to leave him alone, since he is with somebody, but when I'm near him it's so hard to keep to that promise.

Lex actually said that I make love sound simple. I don't know how he can say that. It's one of the hardest things to understand. For one thing, I know how I feel about him but I still have these feelings sometimes for Lana. I think that's just me wishing for a normalcy that I know deep down will never be. I know she will never feel that way about me but I can't help it.

He said he'd take me Italy one day.

 

07 January @ 11:04 pm

I'm so tired and even after taking a nap I still feel like I'm falling apart.

It took me forever to do my chores. I had to skip out on my friends for two days now. I have to get home right after class. Speaking of which, I passed out in class today. It was so embarrassing. I drooled on my notes.

Lex and I had a fight, sort of. He won't let this one thing alone and last night he brought it up again. I just don't know what to do. I love him but I'm so confused by all of this. I feel like just giving up. I feel like telling him everything now since it won't matter anymore. That's the thing, it doesn't matter. I'm just me and he's never going to accept that.

Mr. K pulled me into his office to tell me that Lex drank himself into a stupor last night. Like I don't have enough guilt already. It's eating me up inside to know that Lex does this to himself. Mr. K said he found Lex lying on the floor of his office. He had broken a bottle and was sprawled in the glass. I thought for sure he'd done something to himself, again, like the last time. If he had, I wouldn't have been there to stop him. I don't even want to think about that.

I know what Mr. K said made sense. I need to think about what to do. If my new condition is permanent I guess it won't make any difference. 

I hate this. I don't think I can stand it much longer. I just know something is going to explode. I was so tired I almost passed out over at the mansion.

 

08 January @ 08:12 pm

When I saw Lana today she was wearing her meteor necklace. I never realized how beautiful the meteor rocks are. I'm usually in agony when I go near them. But when I saw that necklace I couldn't take my eyes off it. Lana seemed very understanding about my dorkiness around her. I have to tell her that it had nothing to do with her. I just need to come up with a believable lie.

That's the only good thing about losing my abilities. No more pain around the rocks. Of course it also means pain with everything else.

I got to play basketball with other boys today. It was the first time I could do it and even though Pete and I lost, it was one of the best times I have ever had. I loved it. I wish it could be this way all the time; if only for the normalcy.

I think dad is happy I'm not super anymore. I'm not sure if it's because it's something he knows I've wished for or if it's because it's something he's wished for. I know deep down that dad hates my alien-ness. I know he loves me but so many times I can tell he wishes things weren't so hard. Wishes he didn't have to deal with the weirdness I bring into their lives.

I don't blame him one bit. I hate it too. I wonder how he would feel if I told him I would give anything to be me again.

@ 08:14 pm

My parents are the most wonderful people in the world. I know if it weren't for them, I wouldn't be who I am today. I know that their moral sense is one of the things that help to guide me.

There is one thing I do hate, and that has been bothering me so much lately. I always put it in the back of my mind because if I think about it, I'll have to deal with it and I'll have to admit that my dad is wrong. That's my dad's attitude toward Lex. Whenever I bring up Lex, dad gets this look on his face. I tried to get him to explain it, but whenever I do he just brushes me off. I hate that on this one thing that matters to me more than anything else, my dad is so wrong. He can't think that I don't see his opinion of Lex as bias. I just don't get it.

I try to understand but the truth is plain: dad just hates Lex because of his last name. He won't bother to get to know him because then he'd have to admit that Lex can be nice and can be a good person worthy of his time.

I know one thing for sure, no matter what dad says I'll always make up my own mind about people. That is one thing dad taught me, and I think I learned the lesson well. Not perfect but I am learning more every day from people like Lex. He's made me open my eyes to so many things. And made me realize that the world isn't simple no matter how much I wish it was.

 

09 January @ 10:03 am

I thought I had to hide what I am. I thought I had to be careful. Now here he is with my abilities and the whole town thinks he's a hero. I'm resentful. I can't help it.

I wish I could go back and change everything. Dad says that people seem fine with him now, but that could change in one moment.

Chloe seems taken with him. She was all tongue tied when he stopped in the hall to thank her for writing the article about him. It was so ironic. When I pointed out that maybe Eric needs to be more careful, Chloe turned to me and said that as soon as I start acting like Eric she would start writing nice things about me. I think I'd rather not have that happen.

Last night Bruce stopped by the house. It was so nice to have somebody to talk to about this and about Lex. I told him I haven't even gotten used to being normal. I just can't deal with other stuff right now. Even if I was still 'super' I couldn't deal with what Lex said. I mean I only found out a few months ago that I'm not even human! I hate it! It's not fare. How am I expected to just spill what I am like that when I can't deal with it? I couldn't handle having to deal with another person knowing and with still trying to sort it out in my own head.

I can see what it is about Bruce that attracts Lex. He's just there; a warm soft presence that doesn't judge and doesn't accuse. I'm glad he knows about me. Though it still makes me nervous, it really doesn't matter any more. I'm normal now and as far as I can tell that isn't going to change. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.

Bruce suggested I try to help Eric. My fear is that Eric won't treat what he has with respect. That he'll be casual about it and I know he can't be that way. He could hurt people so easily. I never forget all the times that I broke things. The reason I can't have a dog for a pet. I lost track of all the times that I just forgot my strength. It's so easy to hurt people. I'm sure that I bruised mom and dad a few times before I finally realized I just couldn't be too careful.

I gave Bruce a hug last night because he really seemed to need one. I wonder if Lex is neglecting him. I can admit it here that I think I could easily fall for Bruce. He's got something. He seems lost and I have to stifle my urge to help him. Last night I had to stop myself from thinking thoughts I know I shouldn't have. He's Lex's boyfriend, but I just couldn't help it. I wanted to get close to him. I will never tell a single soul about my true feelings for Bruce.

@ 05:11 pm

I'm about to go to Lana's to ask her for her necklace. I figure Eric has my weakness since he has my abilities.

I tried to stop him from hurting people, and got my ass kicked. Now I'm going after him and maybe I won't survive. This might be the last time I write in here.

I ended up in the hospital, and Lex stopped by to see me. I was much nastier to him than he deserved, but my ribs are cracked and I have a head injury so I blame that. I was cranky. I've never been hurt like this before. It's disconcerting to say the least.

I just wasn't in the mood but it was nice to have Lex care enough to check on me. He didn't just stop by and check on me, he kissed me when we went back to get my things. I never wanted it to stop! I wanted him to hold me and take control forever. I wanted to taste his warm, soft, pliant lips on mine forever. I just wanted. I've never felt so much desire for anybody in my life and I knew that I wouldn't hurt him in a physical way this time. But he stopped the kiss. I've never felt so lost, and so desperate for time to stand still. 

I may never see Lex again. If I don't come back alive, I guess nobody will see this and nobody will know what I felt. I have to tell Lex how I feel, but I won't get the chance if I die.

When this is over, if I survive, I'm going over to the mansion, and I'm telling Lex how I feel. I wish I'd told him at the hospital. Maybe I should leave a note.

 

10 January @ 10:47 pm

I'm back to normal, which feels wonderful. No more being tired and no more pain. Of course, it's nice to be me again. 

As soon as I could, I called Lex to see if I could go over to talk. I need to tell him how I feel. He said he was tired and resting. I know he's finished whatever business he had with that woman he was with. Maybe I should go over anyway. I want to see him. I think I'll go for a run later. I haven't been able to in what seems like forever.

I miss Lex so much. Just hearing his voice for a few minutes makes me miss him even more. I can't deny that I am totally in love with him. I think about him so much.

 

12 January @ 12:51 am

Lex was too busy to see me again today. So I pretty much did nothing except mope around. Mom and dad did some stuff in town and then came back.

I promised myself I would write in this every single day but I missed Sunday so here I am writing about how much I miss Lex.

I am totally bored. I thought about calling Chloe and asking if we could hang like we used to before all this other stuff happened. I realized I'm not as comfortable around her and Lana as I told her I would be. It isn't even about them both being girls. It's about me being lonely. I just can't stand to see them so happy. It's so rude and selfish of me to think this but I can't help it. I promised I would always be as honest as I could here, so here I am, being honest.

I don't want to be near them when they're being all close. I think for now I'll just be in public with them. I don't want to tell them this because then I'll hurt Chloe's feelings more than I already have. Sometimes people think I'm clueless but I'm not. I know things haven't been the greatest between us. Chloe helps me out when I need it, as long as it's something not personal.

@ 10:50 pm

My lies will destroy everything I have ever worked for and everyone I have ever loved.

It would have been better for this world if I had never come here.

@ 11:40 pm

Who cares anymore? Why do I even bother? I had the worst day at school today. It ticks me off that I can't even talk to Lana without Whitney's friends cornering me and telling me to back off of her. If they knew what the real truth was... 

I would never tell, but I confronted Whitney. I told him to tell his buddies to leave me alone or I wouldn't be responsible for what happens. He just said sure and walked away without even bugging me like he usually does.

I saw Lex since today is delivery day. Either he really was tired or I bored him to death. He seems so out of it. I wanted to wait until he brought up the kiss in the hospital but he didn't so eventually I did. He said he needed it. I grabbed him and kissed him. I didn't really care right then about consequences. Lex didn't kiss me back so it really wasn't much of a kiss.

I tried to get him to play some pool but he wasn't into it. Then I tried to talk to him but he just seemed so ... lost. It's weird. I've never seen him this way before. I think it's my fault. I mean, I know it is. 

He told me his dad slept with that woman who stayed with him. The one he was doing business with. I already knew but hearing it out loud was another thing.

I told him so and then felt bad because I know he has BW. I shouldn't be throwing myself at Lex like that. But I just can't help it. So much for my New Years resolution.

I'm so lost about what to do. Maybe some sleep will help.

I got a call from Lana tonight. She was worried about me. She said she was afraid she wouldn't see me again. I guess I laid it on pretty thick when I asked to borrow the necklace. It's nice to know that she cares. She invited me to hang with her and Chloe tomorrow night. It'll be a nice change of pace.

 

14 January @ 01:16 am

I just had to tell her. I feel so much better now that Chloe knows about Lex. I needed for her to know. I went over to hang with her and Lana but I didn't want to go alone so I invited Pete to come along. Chloe wasn't thrilled but when I explained it to her, she understood completely. It feels so good to be honest for a change. I just didn't want to sound like a jerk after I told her it was cool for her and Lana to kiss in front of me.

I wanted to tell her all about Lex and what has happened between him and me since the first day I met him. I wanted to spill my guts, but I probably would have died of embarrassment on the spot. Since I doubt she would want the details. 

I itched to call Lex all day today he was so upset yesterday. I just want to be near him so I can help. How I just don't know.

Almost incoherent right now I'm so tired. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I haven't been sleeping well. I'm worried about Lex. Is it dumb to dream that I want to just hold him in my arms?

 

15 January @ 12:03 am

I noticed things aren't great with Lex. When I went over today to do the deliveries, he wasn't taking any visitors. Not even me. He's never refused to see me ever. Even when he's been too busy to see anybody he always made time to see me.

My mom is calling.

@ 12:22 am

I hate those damn rocks! Why it is every time I turn around some jerk is trying to kill somebody I love? Sometime I just wish I could find every last rock and bury them in a huge, deep, dark hole.

Jeff came back. Who knows how long he's been in town. He attacked me and he had meteor rocks on him. How did he figure it out? How could he have known they hurt me? Only mom and dad know about that. 

It was so hard watching him drag Lex away just a few feet from me. The pain from those rocks - I hate it! Lex was hurt and I couldn't help him. 

He's alone in the mansion now. Bruce stopped by on his way out of town to let me know Lex is all mine. He asked me to take care of him and to go to him. I almost abandoned Bruce right there on the spot and ran right over to the mansion.

After everything that happened tonight Lex probably needs some rest. I want to run over and just make sure he's fine. Make sure he's still there. Plus now that Bruce dumped him, he must be hurting. Maybe that's what was bugging Lex all week? It could have been. He seemed so lifeless. I think back now on the times I did see him and I realize something was so wrong with him. I feel so stupid for not noticing it sooner. He's hurting and I know what I have to do. I have to go see him tomorrow. And this time, I won't take no for an answer.

I'm going to call Feegan after school and explain to him what I want to do. I just want to make sure Lex is okay. I need to know that he's okay.

I had to take a shower while I was at the mansion since I got some of that oil meteor stuff on my skin. It made me sick I thought I would throw up. Luckily Feegan loaned me new clothes. I lost my favorite shirt, which sucks. Feegan drove me home since Lex was still too out of it to even talk to me. Feegan thought I had an allergic reaction to the oil, which was so convenient. I'm still feeling a little out of it from the meteor exposure. It was the longest I've ever been exposed to them. Even after I was away from them, I still felt ill.

It's weird to know that something here, right next door, right around Lana's neck, could kill me.

@ 10:47 am

Last night I had the weirdest dream.

I think it must have been because of what happened. I was sitting in my loft and Lex stopped by. He sat down beside me and put his hand on my knee then he told me he wants to be with just me. We start to kiss but then he freaks out, pushes me away, and starts to scream that I'm nothing but a liar. 

Then I was in the house and mom and dad were telling me that they lied to me that the ship was a joke and I'm not an alien after all. 

When I woke up, I was floating above my bed again. I crashed as soon as I realized what was happening.

My dreams suck almost as much as my life.

I really need to go see Lex. As soon as school is out, I'm running to the mansion.

 

16 January @ 10:39 am

When Lex said he seems to attract the freaks, it was all I could do to not just run out of the mansion and never look back.

He's bald because of m. He's attacked all the time by those meteor freaks that are created thanks to those happy little rocks I brought with me when I crashed.

I hate those fucking rocks so much.

Everybody would be so much better off without them, maybe even without me.

@ 11:02 am

I suck as a friend and all the proof I need is the way I treated Chloe. I should have told her all along. The truth is I don't even know why I didn't tell her. I have thought about it and all the reasons I come up with suck. I suck. I have to make it up to her somehow.

I tried to talk to her yesterday before going over to see Lex. It didn't go well. I deserved the treatment I got. I know I did. I want so badly to go back in time and change that one night when she confided in me. I wish I had told her, but I guess like my dad says; if wishes were horses, or something like that.

I did manage to see Lex last night. He makes me forget anything is wrong in the world. He makes me feel like I can do anything. I was in such a bad mood after the fight with Chloe. I really tried to hide it. I guess that is another thing I suck at. I can't lie.

It was so good to be near Lex. I wanted to be in his arms the minute I walked in the door. The conversation was so hard. I told him about Bruce's visit. Lex seemed depressed that he needed to be taken care of at all. I tried to tell him that wasn't true. I didn't really know what to say. Then I sort of crawled into his lap. I couldn't help it. I needed him badly. I needed the contact, but mostly, I needed somebody to show me that I am worth being.

I'm not going to screw it up this time. I'm going to accept everything Lex tells me. I trust him. He's proven himself very trustworthy.

I kissed him and nobody stood in our way. There was nobody to stop us but us. He asked me what I want so I told him I want us to be us again. I want to be with him from now on. It could happen. Mom says a good relationship doesn't just happen. You have to work on it. I'm determined to make it work. 

He wants me to give him time and I will. What he doesn't get is I would wait forever.

I am so screwed. I have to think all of this through and then ask my mom for advice.

So now I'm going to keep my cool. Stay near Lex but not in his face and wait until he's ready for more. He did kiss me back and hold me, so that's a start.

I just hope I've matured enough for both our sakes.

 

17 January @ 10:33 pm

If only I could change the things I've done wrong. But we all say that. Instead I'm being given a second chance and I'm grateful for it. Last night when I went by to see Lex we held each other. I almost fell asleep in his arms. I wanted to be aware of everything that happened. I didn't want to miss out on a thing. He seemed to beg me to kiss him. So I did. I crawled onto him, kissed him, and pressed onto him. I was so hard and anxious.

I wanted whatever he would give me right then. I wasn't afraid and I don't know why. I just knew that in my heart I could trust him to do the right thing. Maybe that's why I said okay when he told me he wanted me. I would have done anything at that moment to make him happy. I need it; he needs it.

He asked if I was worried about him hurting me again. I'm way more worried that I'll hurt him. I'm way more worried that something I say or do will make him look at me in that wounded way he has. It's so painful to see.

After we decided to take it slow, we made popcorn and watched a movie. I didn't even care what the movie was. All I cared about was that we were together. So for now I'll be there for him, and let things take their natural course.

 

19 January @ 12:12 am

I failed Chloe tonight. We were at the mansion to do the interview with Lex and something happened. These people came out of nowhere and attacked us. Chloe was thrown out a window. She fell three stories. I heard her scream but I couldn't make it in time. I tried. I really did.

I screamed for help and Lex came running. He called an ambulance, and Lex and I followed her in his car. He dropped me off and went back to the mansion to deal with the police. He was robbed.

I stayed with Chloe as long as I could. She looked terrible. She has bruises on her face and a broken arm. I called her father as soon as we made it to the hospital. Lana was over at her place, waiting for her to come back from the interview. She rushed to Chloe's side. 

Why didn't I save her? She could have died and I would have failed her. Lana is with her now. I stayed as long as I could. She asked if she should call my mom and dad to come get me, but I told her to call Lex. I wasn't really thinking straight. All I could do was stare at CS as she lay on the hospital bed and wish I'd gotten to her in time.

I didn't say much on the ride back to my place. Lex reassured me things would be okay and dropped me off.

 

20 January @ 10:47 am

Chloe hasn't woken up yet. I'm frantic with worry. What if something really bad happens to her? What if she never wakes up?

I feel like I failed her and that feeling isn't going away no matter how many people tell me it's not my fault. It hurts to see her all helpless. The thought that she could have died and I couldn't have saved her.

I'm trying to concentrate on other things; like finding the jerks that hurt her. Lex said he'd make sure they are punished when they're caught. For a second just the way he said it made me worried that he would do something illegal. He's as upset as I am about what happened. I just worry that he might try to take the law into his own hands. He didn't tell the police about the stuff that the thieves stole. I have to wonder why he wouldn't tell them. I have to wonder if he's hiding something. In the end, I trust him to do the right thing. I feel a little guilty that I even thought these things even if it was for a second.

Even with this going on, Lex and I managed to find time to 'make out.' I was surprised but it's as far as he wants to go right now. I guess I'll still be jerking off for a while yet. I don't mind because it means he has committed himself to us. I'm so excited about that. I know the other night I was ready to let him do whatever he wanted to me, but I'm grateful he stopped it. I'm not ready for more so to have him want to take things slow is a relief. If I wasn't somebody he intended to be with for a long time he would have just dived in and gotten it over with.

I can't get over the fact that he wants to just make out with me. I smile every time I think about it. I also get hard but then that's not new.

@ 09:28 pm

I wonder if Lex wants me on top or if he wants me on the bottom. I'm not even sure I could ask him that without embarrassing myself. Bottom looks painful but maybe if I'm on the bottom I won't hurt him. My strength could be a problem since when I have an orgasm I have to make sure not to grab things. I've ripped a few sheets that way.

I know what it looks like. I've looked at the pictures. It looks like a strange angle but I think I would want us to be facing each other.

I wonder if that's what he would like.

@ 10:19 pm

I think I saw one of the people who robbed the mansion today. I was picking up a microwave for my mom and while I was trying to talk to Whitney, this rude person interrupted us. He had a tattoo on his arm that was green. I'm not sure what to do about it. I have to investigate.

Chloe is still not awake. I want to find those people and make them pay for what they did. Mr. K stopped by to apologize for failing Chloe and me. I tried to tell him it's not his fault. I hope he doesn't lose his job over it. Those thieves appeared out of nowhere. How are you supposed to fight that?

I know Lex has asked that for now we just take it slow, but I want to be ready for when he wants to do more. I couldn't figure out what he needed me to do since he had to spell it out for me. I kind of feel like a dope not knowing, but I guess I figured since he's older, knows more, and has done it he would know what to do. I want to wait to ask him about it. I know eventually we will have to have the safe sex talk. My parents already talked to me about condoms and that kind of stuff. I still have the condoms they gave me a while back. It's not like I've had any chances to use them.

Who knows when I will? It's weird because I know I can wait but at the same time it drives me nuts to be near Lex. He's so sexy. You have no idea. When he walks, he does this thing with his hips that make me want to grab him and just do things I've never even thought about before.

 

21 January @ 11:17 pm

Chloe is awake. I was so happy to see her awake, and as plucky as ever. I told her I was so sorry for letting her get hurt, and like everybody else, she told me it wasn't my fault. She told me the person who grabbed her has a tattoo. The person I saw has the same one. He's a friend of Whitney. I looked into it and discovered that Whitney's new friend is a failed athlete.

I was afraid something bad would happen so I called Lana and told her what her 'boyfriend' wouldn't. He lost his scholarship and didn't tell her. He's really being a jerk. I get that he feels trapped, I feel trapped too sometimes. Especially with this town being what it is. I just wish for Lana's sake he would treat her better. Let her know what's happening to him. I know I would treat her so much better if she were my girlfriend. Not that I want to go there at all anymore.

I noticed when I saw Whitney today he had a tattoo. I'm worried.

So Lana talked to Lex since he bought the old theatre that Lana's aunt used to own. It's a nice place but it really needs to be fixed up. She told me he shot her down, which doesn't surprise me. I mean he's a businessman. I thought maybe I would talk to him about it; see what he has in mind. I know he was just trying to challenge her since he does that a lot. It's one of the things I like about him. He's been challenging me since the first time we met.

I want to go see him. I used to just run there late at night but I haven't done that for a long time. If we weren't taking things slow, I would run there right now. But it's late and he's probably asleep by now.

11:58 pm

I was thinking of asking Lex to help out Lana with the Talon. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should just let her do it on her own.

He thinks about my age. I think about his too. He's older, has done more has been places. I've never even left Smallville unless you count the fact that I came here in a space ship. Sometimes when I'm around Lex, I feel awkward, but then he talks to me like I'm his equal and that feeling goes away.

 

22 January @ 08:18 pm

I felt the effects of the meteor rocks again when I was near the thieves. It hurt. Stupid Rocks. I'm pretty sure they could kill me if I stay in contact with them for too long. I wish I could get out of this town.

08:20 pm

I'm not sure what to do. Whitney is in bad with those people. They tried to hurt Lex tonight. I stopped in just in time, but I was so surprised to see Whitney there. I just can't believe he'd do this. Lex said that if Whitney had anything to do with the break-in then that's his fault and he'd have to be dealt with. I agree, but I don't think Whitney did. I don't believe that he would hurt anybody intentionally.

Those people were going to hurt Lex. He said they blackmailed him, and he was trying to deal with them in his own way. It's funny at one point Lex asked if I was wondering if my dad was right about him, but the truth is I was wondering if he was going to be okay. I don't care why he did it, I was worried that these people were going to hurt him or worse kill him. I don't think I could stand that.

It's so weird with Whitney. I've never met anybody who hates me so much. At first I thought it was over the whole Lana thing, but now I think it's more than that. I'm not sure what. He has everything. So what if he suffered a setback. Everybody does. I know all about setbacks. He seems so bitter.

Whitney has always been somebody who hardly ever paid attention to me until that night when I had a talk with his girlfriend. That's what led to the scarecrow thing. I still think about that every once in a while. The words they teased me with, the words Whitney teased me with. He called me a loser and a suck-up. One of the other guys called me a fag, and I remember Whitney sneering at that. 

Now it seems even sillier. Lana isn't even his girlfriend. That crack I made to him about not being able to keep her was way out of line. I don't usually do that. I wish I could take it back. 

I made a promise. I told Lana I would deal with Whitney, and I know Lex will follow through with making him pay, but I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure Whitney doesn't get in any more trouble. Whitney's not a bad guy, he's just feeling a little lost right now. I thought a lot about why I told Lana I'd help. I know it's mostly so she won't have to worry about him. Even if they aren't dating, she still cares about Whitney. I can see it in her eyes when she talks about him.

I understand since I still care about her.

I might talk to her about this. I know she really has something serious with Chloe. Maybe Lana's not admitting how much she still cares about Whitney.

Lex drove me back to the truck after I stopped those guys from hurting him. We made out in the car before he dropped me off. It was nice. He let me pull his t-shirt up and get underneath so I could touch skin. He didn't complain when I licked his nipples. It felt amazing. I think he mumbled something about second base.

It was nice to touch and have permission. It felt so illicit, and the fact that somebody could have caught us made my heart pound in my chest. There was a very tiny chance of that, since the streets are dead after eight.

I've never felt so anxious to touch, and to be with him before. It was like no matter how much I kissed; no matter how much I touched it wasn't enough to satisfy.

 

23 January @ 08:12 pm

I'm not surprised that Chloe figured out how the guys were pulling off their walking through walls trick. She's always been so good at these things.

We caught the guys who hurt Chloe, which made me happy. Whitney's fine too. He told Lana everything and she called me. We went to get Lex's thing back that the guys stole from the mansion, since I knew it was important to him. When Whitney told me the guys were planning on killing Lex, I almost flipped. I was right about them trying to do worse. It really bothers me that people always seem to want to hurt him.

But everything is okay now and Lex is safe. I'll have to thank Whitney for having the courage to step forward with what knew. He really screwed up but he was willing to take responsibility for his actions. I hope he can work through his problems.

The coolest part was Lex coming to our rescue for a change. I thought for sure I was in way more trouble than I'd ever been in before. Whitney and I were trapped by these guys. One of them actually shoved his arm through my chest. It really hurt. A lot! Something in the tattoo ink made them able to walk through things.

@ 08:59 pm

I have to say, a Porsche is not the best car to make out in. 

I stuck to all Lex's rules; no clothes off, just touching over clothes and lots of rubbing. I felt brave so I touched him on the leg as he was driving. When my hand moved down to the bulge in his pants, he decided it was safer to pull over so we could continue our activity.

I made him come in his pants. He seemed content. We kissed for a long time. I think I must be getting better at it. I'm learning what he likes, and it's so much fun. I like to touch him, to kiss him, to do all these intimate things without taking our clothes off. It's sexy.

@ 09:15 pm

I feel dirty just thinking it in my head. Lex wants me to be on top. Although, I personally don't really want to do that on the hood of a car. I would rather do it be in a bed. With soft sheets and low light. I feel weird thinking this about Lex this way. He's a guy and on top of that he's obviously had way more experienced lovers. Like Bruce. He knows what to do to make Lex happy in bed.

I have to learn what to do for him. This is really making me hard. I think about Lex and I get hard. It's real embarrassing since it happens when ever. Even at the coffee shop. At school, at the dinner table the other night.

I got to practice pinching his nipples. Since I am so strong, I need to figure out how much pressure to use. I think I did okay. He moaned a lot but never yelled that it was too hard. I want to practice that some more.

 

24 January @ 09:00 pm

Lex said yes to Lana's plans for the Talon. I'm so happy for Lana. She really wants this. I plan on helping her get the place ready over the next few weeks. 

In the best news of the day, Chloe has finally been released from the hospital. She's doing much better. She's even back to her old self. It was nice to see her all gung-ho to get back into reporter mode. I saw the look Lana gave her as we stood outside the Talon. It was really adorable, although I sensed something when Chloe asked about Whitney. She seemed nervous or something not sure what it was.

In not so good news, Lex fired Mr. K, which totally sucks since he's a cool guy, and I mean those guys who robbed the mansion could walk through walls. They could go through pretty much anything including my chest. That was disconcerting. So I didn't understand why Lex would fire him when no matter who was on duty the robbers would have gotten in.

I'm going to talk to Lex about this. I just think it's so unfair. Plus I was making a friend of Mr. K. I should have asked him for his number. I like how he can talk on my level and never once condescend to me, even when he talked to me about serious things. I might go over after I take a shower. I've been in the field all day setting fence posts and I stink. I need a major shower.

I'm off to do that first, and then I'm going to the loft. The stars are nice tonight. From there I plan on calling Lex to see if he's too busy to play a game of pool.

 

25 January @ 09:12 am

Last night I went by the mansion. Lex was relaxing by the fire. We decided to have a quiet evening. It was nice, and no pressure at all. We talked quietly about things that I would have thought were boring to him. He told me I needed to be more careful in the future. It turns out he saw that guy shove his arm in my chest. It must have been frightening to see that. Lex kissed me. It was the most wonderful feeling in the world.

I explored his neck and the whole time we never once removed our clothes, nor did I venture under his shirt. I only have to wonder how long he'll be satisfied with just this before he wants and demands more. I realize I'm just not ready for more right now. I want to have 'the talk' with him but I'm way too embarrassed to bring it up. Like he said, there's plenty of time. I blushed so hard when I asked if we're officially dating. He said sure so I called him my boyfriend. I have to admit, it will be nice to be able to talk in front of Lana and Chloe about my boyfriend.

I have so much work to do today. I've decided that I don't want to be a farmer when I grow up. Dad is yelling at me to get my lazy butt out of bed.

@ 09:23 am

Sometimes I'm so happy about things and then reality comes crashing down on me. If I can't tell Lex the truth about my heritage, at this point I'm so terrified, I don't know how I'll do it, how will we ever be able to have a lasting relationship like the one my mom and dad have?

This is only going to end badly if I can't tell him. I realized last night that I'm really enjoying this slow pace he's asked for. I'm going to tell him that today. 

That's at least one thing I can be truthful with him on. It makes me feel so much better knowing this. He also said he's glad I gave him a second chance. I can't believe Lex Luthor, one of the richest men in the country, wants me, a poor farmer from nowhere.

 

26 January @ 01:37 am

And really I'm so glad. I needed a normal day just to relax and be myself.

I called Mr. K at the cell phone number he gave me. I think Lex's dad answered. I was glad he handed the phone over to Mr. K. I invited Mr. K over for dinner. Mom told me I could when I asked. I want to get to know him better. He seems like such a nice guy and I was hoping to see if I could figure out if he's into guys. I can't tell. I don't really know what to look for. 

Mr. K said he's still working for Luthor Corp. He also said he's working close with Lex's dad. I'm glad he got another job. I was worried that he might be in trouble.

I didn't get to see Lex today. I thought about him all day. I'm glad he thinks we have a chance this time around. 

11:59 pm

I've been so busy and for the rest of the week. I just got back from the mansion. I was happy to see Lex. He looked great. We met up at the Talon. Lana plans to fix the place up and turn it into a coffee house. Lana, Chloe, Pete and I went there after classes and cleaned up. We also had a chance to look around and assess the workload. Of course Pete and I did all the heavy lifting.

Lex picked me up after and we went back to the mansion to 'make out'. I talked to him about Mr. K, but it didn't go well. He doesn't like Mr. K. I didn't realize this. I kept it to myself that Mr. K is going to be coming over for dinner on Wednesday. I can have whomever I want as a friend, right. 

I wonder if he knows Mr. K is now working closely with his father.

Lex and I ended up making out again on the sofa. He's the most amazing kisser, and he has this mouth that makes me blush when he licks his lips. I had to change my shorts when I got home. He looks great in a suit. I tried a few things even though we were fully clothed the whole time. I wasn't able to control myself for long. It took an embarrassingly short time for me to come.

He liked the things I did to him so now I have a catalogue in my brain about what he likes.

His kisses were very passionate and very aggressive. I wonder if it's because we had just talked about Mr. K. He told me I should be careful or he might start getting jealous. I liked the aggressive kissing. I found, though, that I have to concentrate more; be more careful which is good because I need the practice. I had to resist the urge to just kiss him until his lips were bruised. I have never felt this way near anybody else before. So out of control; so aware, so desperate to touch and be touched.

When he pushed me into the sofa and climbed on me I went crazy. I wanted to rip his clothes off and just do things to him. I don't even know what but I'm sure Lex could have shown me. I have a neck thing for sure. When he kissed me there I almost threw us off the sofa. He even bit me lightly on the neck.

I like it when he takes control. I want him to take control. I didn't really know this about myself until now. I suspected it, but wow, he proved it to me.

 

28 January @ 07:32 am

I had to get up real early to finish fixing a fence in the far field for dad. I thought I would get some thoughts down while I waited for breakfast.

I spent most of yesterday afternoon helping out at the Talon. That place needs a good cleaning. I can help for a little while today but then I have to get home, do the deliveries, and help mom with dinner. I told her I'd help since Mr. K is my guest. I've really only had my friend Pete over for dinner before so this is something knew. 

I wish I could invite Lex. If it wouldn't make my dad suspicious, if it wouldn't trigger mom's alarms, if my dad didn't have the attitude he has, which grates like you wouldn't believe. Half the time I have to just walk away and pound something into the ground before I give something away that would get both of us into trouble. I want to scream it to the sky what I know about Lex. I want the whole world to know that he's the best thing ever.

I had a talk with Lana about Whitney. I'm real worried about that whole situation. I don't want any of the people involved to get hurt. I mean there is Chloe to consider. I know they're committed to each other but still somebody is going to be hurt badly.

In turn Lana asked me about Lex and what's happening over there. I realized that I hadn't actually come out and said to anybody that Lex and I are dating. It sounds so strange to say out loud. I mean he's so mature compared to me and on top of that he runs a business that employs half the town.

She also asked if his intentions are good intentions. I have no doubt in my mind that we are going to make it work this time around. My mom always says that you have to work hard to make a good relationship a success. I plan on working as hard as I can. I realize that along the way I'll probably make. I known I will. I'll even bet right now that I will make the most mistakes out of the two of us. 

Maybe if I hurry I'll catch the bus to school. Mom's calling me to breakfast. It smells great. I think she made pancakes.

08:56 pm

Trust issues. When he finds out I've been lying to him all along about the accident, about what I am, he'll hate me forever. 

I'm so afraid to tell him. Most of the times, I just don't think about it. I pretend I'm just a normal human boy and that there isn't anything weird about me. But then something happens, like I get anxious and grab Lex's arm too hard.

Ever since I discovered I had strength above normal, I've wanted nothing more than to be just a normal person. I'm so scared that one day I'll hurt Lex. Most of the times, I keep my hands to myself.

I probably bruised his arm.

@ 09:09 pm

Dinner went well considering Mr. K actually brought a bottle of wine that was sent by Lex's dad. Of course, my father wouldn't touch it. My mom was much more polite. She had a glass. I couldn't have any since I am only 15.

Mr. K is cool. He's very personable and seemed right at home with my parents. Dad smiled and warmed up to him when he heard that he was no longer working for Lex. I hinted at Mr. K to not tell dad where he's working now.

After dessert, I showed him my telescope in the loft. There was a meteor shower to show him and he seemed impressed. I'm sure he was just being polite. As we talked, Lex showed up. I was confused as to why he had stopped by since I didn't expect him. At first he seemed really angry and made accusations about what was happening. He was angry with Mr. K, but I managed to convince Lex to stay. He almost left. I'm still not sure what happened. I think he thought his father had set things up but there was nothing set up. I invited Mr. K over. I let Lex know that it was my idea.

I wasn't angry that Lex was jealous. I was mostly just confused. I don't like playing games since I have no idea how. I'm pretty much a 'what you see is what you get guy.' I hate leading people on, but I can get confused about what the right thing to do should be. I'm sure I didn't lead Mr. K on and I know he didn't have an ulterior motive. No matter what either of us said, Lex wouldn't believe it so Mr. K left us alone to talk it out.

We talked and everything is fine. Lex stayed for a while after to 'make out' which made my heart pound in my chest because the fact that my mom and dad where just in the house was terrifying. 

I told Lex that whatever he wants I'd do. I want him to feel comfortable and safe and know that I'm never going to hurt him. He just doesn't do trust well. He didn't out rightly forbid me to stop being Mr. K's friend. He would never do that.

 

29 January @ 09:52 am

My mom is the best. She always makes me feel better about anything no matter what it is. She talked to me about some things last night that are related to my fears about hurting Lex. She told me she trusted that I would never hurt him. I know I never would but what if it's an accident. I can't help but remember all the reasons while I was growing up why I had to keep my hands to myself. If I think about it too much, I start to feel sick.

Last night made me do a lot of thinking. I called Mr. K because of all the things Lex insinuated were bugging me. I needed to know that he hadn't actually used me like that. Mr. K reassured me that he would never hurt Lex or me on purpose. He isn't into games, and refuses to play them. I was so glad to hear that. It was really bugging me.

I really think he cares about Lex's wellbeing. The only thing that bothers me is what exactly Mr. K does for Mr. Big. Lex implied that it was something unseemly.

I want Lex to feel safe with me, with us. I want him never to have to feel like he has to question my trust. I care about him so much it hurts to think that he's grown up never able to count on anybody. He said it was his baggage. I guess this is the part where we look under the hood and see what the world has done to us. I have things that maybe he has no clue about. I know they'll be revealed over time.

I like the idea that we'll learn about each other over time like this. Especially since nobody I have ever know has ever wanted to know me this way.

 

30 January @ 11:48 am

I spent yesterday working. I don't mind at all. I love to have something to keep my mind off things. Although being a jack for dad can be a little demeaning. I still like to be useful since I'm the only one who can lift the tractor.

So Lex is going away for the weekend, which totally sucks since I was going to ask if we could do something. I invited him to come by the Talon today and asked him to dress down. I've never seen him in anything else but a suit.

I've thought about how I would tell my big secret. I could just see it 'by the way Lex I'm from outer space. Hope you don't mind' sounds lame.

My stomach just flipped even writing that.

Even though thinking about this let alone writing about it terrifies me; it feels good to be able to get things off my chest.

@ 10:36 pm

Well, now I know what being caught making out feels like. Today Lex stopped by the Talon dressed down in what was probably a very expensive pair of jeans. They looked amazing on him. I wasn't alone of course since I was there to help Lana and Chloe with more of the heavy work. 

I wanted to show him how much we've already done since he gave her the green light. He seemed impressed. When I was sure we were alone, I pulled him aside and started a make out session. My heart was pounding and my body tingled all over. It was amazing.

Lex got his legs around my waist and had his hands in my hair when we heard a crashing behind us. I almost dropped him when I realized that somebody else was in the room with us. I turned around with Lex sort of behind me, to find that Chloe has walked in on us.

It seems so funny now, but when I was there, it was mortifying. I had no idea what to do or say. Lex did. I followed him out to the main area where Chloe and Lana were obviously talking about us. I didn't really say much except to confirm that Lex and I are officially dating. Chloe seemed angry though I'm really not sure why. Sometimes I can't figure her out. 

After a few words were exchanged, Lex and I left.


End file.
